Holly-days

Hollywood likes to cash in on the holidays, like any other corporate monster.  However, frequently the movies bear only a passing resemblance to the celebrations during which they are set. Here are the holidays according to Hollywood:

Jan 1—Take two Tylenol and go back to bed.  Don't worry about making resolutions; just watch a few movies and be told what to think.

Feb 2—On this day we celebrate the mystery of the passage of time and of causality itself, although a small furry creature may be somehow involved.  We are reminded that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  Resolution: be a better person.

Feb 14—Today we celebrate miscommunications and happy endings.  That guy that you think doesn't even know you exist? He totally loves you.  And you will die of old age in each other's arms. Resolution: read He's Just Not That Into You fall in love, be a better person.

March 17—This day is not largely celebrated in Hollywood since the only way in which it differs from any other day is in what color the beer is.  Resolution: find a better hangover cure.

March/April ?—Celebrates prejudice by restarting Mel Gibson's career and getting him back in the news so as to have the largest possible audience for his poor life choices.  Resolution: be a better person than Mel Gibson.

April 1—Today is the national holiday of the internet.  Rick Astley is the patron saint. Resolution: be less gullible watch more YouTube.

May 5—No one knows what this holiday is about, but it seems like a good time to be culturally aware.  And the best way is to watch Steve Martin.  Resolution: find The Three Amigos, buy a pinata.

July 4—This day celebrates victory over alien invasions, especially those covered up by the government and encourages us to demand full disclosure.  Or possibly celebrates fighting the nation we descended from. Yeah, that doesn't seem right.  Resolution: be more like Bill Pullman.

Oct 31—This day allows us to confront our fears of death thru watching supernatural beings gruesomely kill everyone. Not that far off from the real holiday, actually.  Resolution: survive till the sequel.  Alternative celebrations center around Tim Burton or Tim Curry.

Nov 5—This day centers on anarachy, revolt and explosions. (Wait, isn't this completely backward?) Also, a guy that vaguely looks like the phantom of the opera.  Resolution: research gun powder plot, be a better informed voter blow stuff up.

Nov 7—During the days leading up to this day, some people will be watching lots of documentaries.  The rest of us spend this time wishing Jack Bauer were on the ticket.  Resolution: vote for the guy who is willing to interrogate negotiate.

Nov ?—This holiday is entirely about football. Large amounts of food are cooked ahead of time so you can spend the entire day in front of the television.  Resolution: find a way for society to be even lazier and be thankful for it.

Dec 25—There is a lot of controversy around this holiday.  The mythos of talking animals, sentient ice beings, and anti-gravity has a cult following particularly strong among the vertically challenged.  The other tradition is based largely on two stories.  In one a man is woken up by four three ghosts, who show him what life will be like when he's dead.  The other... has fewer ghosts.  Resolution: give gifts to show what a good person you are, especially if you kept your resolutions.