Words, time, gifts, service, touch. Anybody who has been exposed to any pop-psy-self-help knows that those are the five love languages. Obviously, you figure which way you show love and how your spouse shows love, and voila! you get a better marriage. You don't even need to read the book.
Here's where I get in trouble, because I haven't read the book. However, I looked at the table of contents on Amazon, which like any self-help book is a straight forward outline of the material, so I will presume to comment on that material.
Whenever I see a love language quiz online, or hear people talk about the book, it is always in the context of how that person expresses love. Simply, I give you gifts; you do the dishes. Now I know that you doing the dishes means you love me, or now you know that since gifts is my love language, you mix up dishes routine with some flowers and candy occasionally. And like all self-help*, I find these conclusions pat and simplistic.
Complaint the first: My church is doing a love languages series for married couples and parents (those are the 2 versions of the book out there). I am single and childless, and yet I love and could learn to love better. Aren't Christians commanded to love one another? I am not against classes for parents or couples, but it would be so very, very easy to make a class on love all inclusive. Shouldn't love be inclusive? Apparently, the class is also for people about to be married or planning to get married one day. I planned to have my first kiss before age 25, but life didn't work out that way. I refuse to plan to be married before I am engaged. This is not meant as an indictment against my church, but an illustration of common attitudes about love and singleness.
Complaint the second: Author John Green exhorts his YouTube followers to "imagine others complexly." Love languages, as best I can guess, are meant to be a tool to help better understand the person you are trying to love. They are not something taught in Psych 101 textbooks. I would be interested to see studies of the dispersion of love languages on an introversion/extroversion spectrum or masculine/feminine values or stereotypes. Because our non-verbal communication is as every bit as complex as our psychological selves.
Take me for example. I gift. Bringing joy to others through a well-thought gift is better than getting gifts. So much so, that gifts I receive have to have a certain element of aptness and demonstrate the giver's knowledge of myself before I feel much in response. Does that make gifts my love language?
Recently, I realized that by showing love through gifts, carefully selected and wrapped, that I am holding others at arms length and passing my love over through objects. Those gifts may be appreciated, but I am holding back. One of the first things friends learn about me is that I don't touch new people. It takes an average of three months of contact with a new person before they can receive a hug. Allowing hugs is a rite of initiation into a closer circle of friendship. Does that mean touch is not my love language?
I would say that everyone has the capacity to understand how each of the love languages is an expression of love. I also believe that everyone shows love differently to different people. My problem is expressing and receiving love in such a way that the other person can feel the exchange.
Because I'm not good at emotional shorthand. I make very bad first impressions. Ask people who have interviewed me for jobs. I get total strangers telling me to smile more. I may have been completely content or having a horrible day, they can't tell the difference and want me to greet society in a more acceptable way no matter how I feel. Friends still getting to know me have a hard time knowing whether I am enjoying myself at an event.
So, in the interest of imaging other more complexly, allow me to imagine myself more complexly for you.
I withdrew into myself a lot after splitting 7 weeks between ICU and a burn ward at the age of five. And I was predisposed by nature and nurture to be an introvert before that event. With whatever accompanying psychological issues from my injury, I didn't manage any kind of social competency until college. Navigating my teen years with a sense of isolation (albeit largely of my own making) resulted in the arms-length love expressions and circles of trust that require years to enter. This isolation also developed a self-reliance I might not otherwise have.
My lack of trust ranks how I express love; the more I trust you the closer I allow you to come. Gifts are farthest out, then time and service. Words are second only to touch because verbal expression of intimacy is only less difficult than a physical expression.
My sense of self-worth, however, ranks how much I value expressions of love that I receive. Gifts are last again, because it is easier to give money than time. Touch from others is valuable, but I recognize that if it is not as difficult for you as it is for me then touch becomes less precious. Words I value but have a hard time trusting from the experience of person after person telling me want to build a relationship (usually a friendship) then utterly disappearing almost immediately. Time ranks highly because inclusion is so important to me. The idea of someone doing something to help me out is so rare that it remains an ever elusive prize. But in any case, just being thought of is immensely gratifying.
All of which makes me sound incredibly high maintenance, but I would argue most people could create similar hierarchies. Doing so allows me to realize and accept how I relate to people and to challenge myself to find more effective modes of expression.
So, you tell me. What's my love language?
*He's Just Not That Into You is the sole exception and the best relationship book in existence.
Here's where I get in trouble, because I haven't read the book. However, I looked at the table of contents on Amazon, which like any self-help book is a straight forward outline of the material, so I will presume to comment on that material.
Whenever I see a love language quiz online, or hear people talk about the book, it is always in the context of how that person expresses love. Simply, I give you gifts; you do the dishes. Now I know that you doing the dishes means you love me, or now you know that since gifts is my love language, you mix up dishes routine with some flowers and candy occasionally. And like all self-help*, I find these conclusions pat and simplistic.
Complaint the first: My church is doing a love languages series for married couples and parents (those are the 2 versions of the book out there). I am single and childless, and yet I love and could learn to love better. Aren't Christians commanded to love one another? I am not against classes for parents or couples, but it would be so very, very easy to make a class on love all inclusive. Shouldn't love be inclusive? Apparently, the class is also for people about to be married or planning to get married one day. I planned to have my first kiss before age 25, but life didn't work out that way. I refuse to plan to be married before I am engaged. This is not meant as an indictment against my church, but an illustration of common attitudes about love and singleness.
Complaint the second: Author John Green exhorts his YouTube followers to "imagine others complexly." Love languages, as best I can guess, are meant to be a tool to help better understand the person you are trying to love. They are not something taught in Psych 101 textbooks. I would be interested to see studies of the dispersion of love languages on an introversion/extroversion spectrum or masculine/feminine values or stereotypes. Because our non-verbal communication is as every bit as complex as our psychological selves.
Take me for example. I gift. Bringing joy to others through a well-thought gift is better than getting gifts. So much so, that gifts I receive have to have a certain element of aptness and demonstrate the giver's knowledge of myself before I feel much in response. Does that make gifts my love language?
Recently, I realized that by showing love through gifts, carefully selected and wrapped, that I am holding others at arms length and passing my love over through objects. Those gifts may be appreciated, but I am holding back. One of the first things friends learn about me is that I don't touch new people. It takes an average of three months of contact with a new person before they can receive a hug. Allowing hugs is a rite of initiation into a closer circle of friendship. Does that mean touch is not my love language?
I would say that everyone has the capacity to understand how each of the love languages is an expression of love. I also believe that everyone shows love differently to different people. My problem is expressing and receiving love in such a way that the other person can feel the exchange.
Because I'm not good at emotional shorthand. I make very bad first impressions. Ask people who have interviewed me for jobs. I get total strangers telling me to smile more. I may have been completely content or having a horrible day, they can't tell the difference and want me to greet society in a more acceptable way no matter how I feel. Friends still getting to know me have a hard time knowing whether I am enjoying myself at an event.
So, in the interest of imaging other more complexly, allow me to imagine myself more complexly for you.
I withdrew into myself a lot after splitting 7 weeks between ICU and a burn ward at the age of five. And I was predisposed by nature and nurture to be an introvert before that event. With whatever accompanying psychological issues from my injury, I didn't manage any kind of social competency until college. Navigating my teen years with a sense of isolation (albeit largely of my own making) resulted in the arms-length love expressions and circles of trust that require years to enter. This isolation also developed a self-reliance I might not otherwise have.
My lack of trust ranks how I express love; the more I trust you the closer I allow you to come. Gifts are farthest out, then time and service. Words are second only to touch because verbal expression of intimacy is only less difficult than a physical expression.
My sense of self-worth, however, ranks how much I value expressions of love that I receive. Gifts are last again, because it is easier to give money than time. Touch from others is valuable, but I recognize that if it is not as difficult for you as it is for me then touch becomes less precious. Words I value but have a hard time trusting from the experience of person after person telling me want to build a relationship (usually a friendship) then utterly disappearing almost immediately. Time ranks highly because inclusion is so important to me. The idea of someone doing something to help me out is so rare that it remains an ever elusive prize. But in any case, just being thought of is immensely gratifying.
All of which makes me sound incredibly high maintenance, but I would argue most people could create similar hierarchies. Doing so allows me to realize and accept how I relate to people and to challenge myself to find more effective modes of expression.
So, you tell me. What's my love language?
*He's Just Not That Into You is the sole exception and the best relationship book in existence.
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