The More Complicated Response: Then Who Are All of Them?

Scene: A comic book shop. Enter Sheldon, Leonard, Penny, Raj, and Howard. Penny says she's uncomfortable. One of the guys responds, "You're the only woman here." Penny looks around at the other patrons of the shop skeptically. Howard (usually), "Well, the only real woman."

Sometimes, it's the only "doable" woman. In this context they mean the same thing.  The above is a paraphrase of the several scenes that bother in The Big Bang Theory.  The heroes may be nerds, but they're better than the other weirdos, who in turn are better than the female extras who aren't women anyway.

A lot of people have written about the problem with the unattainable female being the one to shoot for but here is a concise-ish look at it.  If tl;dr, basically the idea is "You're so beautiful, why won't you have sex with me?"

In my previous post, I talked about the conversation about women happening right now.  The bulk of that online conversation revolves around how men are not entitled to women's bodies.  And if you read the hashtag #YesAllWomen you see a large sample of stories of everyday (or casual) sexism.  But, in the few hours I devoted to reading the feed when it was peaking, I felt there was still more that wasn't being said.

As should be obvious from the above example, there's a split in how these men (#NotAllMen—beat you too it) see women.  There are women who are relentlessly pursued for relationships, regardless of their desires and needs and there are these other creatures who take up space.  They are the "fat" friend, the "butter face," the "fugly," and honestly I'm running out of derogatives because who even says stuff like that? I knew a guy who referred to a woman as a "swamp donkey" but slept with her anyway.  One thing these malformed creatures are not is "women."

Obviously, we are doing a terrible job at fostering healthy relationships in this society culture country world.  But it doesn't help that every Ugly Duckling in the movies becomes a beautiful swan BEFORE she is date-able.  Not only is ugly not-hot girl not a viable girlfriend, but since that's all women are good for, she is worthless.  Being worthless, however, does not preclude her from sexual harassment.  You see, since she is worthless, she should be that much more grateful for the male attention and that much more willing to receive it.

Let me let you in on a secret. 99% of humans (approximately) are what you would call normal-looking.  Not drop dead gorgeous, not hideously malformed.  100% of humans (more or less) want to have relationship bonds with other humans.

Clearly, unrealistic beauty standards are an issue, as is respect for women, all of them.  And women need realistic role models in media.  And media also gets "normal" guys wrong.

But a guy went on a killing spree, targeting a sorority, because he'd never had sex.  And I can't help but think of all the girls who would have given him a chance, if he'd tried.  Who have also never been in a relationship.  Who are made to feel worthless.  Who are actually normal. Who are just as awkward when it comes to relationships as any guy can be.  The introverts.  The modest dressers.  The makeup free.  Who are every bit as unhappy as the lonely guys.

I feel I can speak with authority on this because I was 25 before my first kiss.  I've never dated much.  I only put effort into my appearance when the situation requires it.  One of the reasons I stopped acting is that I would never be able to go into an audition and not feel deceptive for wearing pants (which hide my scars from 2nd and 3rd degree burns received when I was five).  No matter how faded, my identity includes my scars, and actors are judged on their appearance.  (I also really hate auditioning, and am much better suited to backstage work; no bitterness there.)  So I can't buy into the nonsense that my self-worth should be wrapped up in romantic attachment, because if I did, I'd be in a very dark place.  Here's another post where I go into detail about geek-guys and -girls coming from the same place, emotionally.  The difference here is that lonely, geeky guys get syndicated TV shows, and  geeky, non-glamourous girls get Mayim Bialik (who is wonderful and intelligent, but one of a kind on TV).

Yes, The Big Bang Theory added Mayim, but the single best thing they did to retain my viewership was the episode where Howard has to decide to commit to a relationship with Bernadette.  He imagines Katee Sackhoff, Starbuck from BSG, as his perfect, fantasy woman.  Ultimately, he has to accept that his fantasy is standing in the way of him having a real relationship.  That's an important message.

Simple Response to What Happened on Twitter and Why It Was Important

In case you missed it, here is the order of events in the wake of the Santa Barbara shooting:

-Shooter (also, knifer and car-rammer) identified his actions aligned with various misogynist groups.
-People got kinda upset about that.
-Other people Guys responded by saying "Not all men."

-One Twitter user rephrased the conversation: Not all men perpetrate sexual harassment, but Yes, All   Women are harassed. 

-#YesAllWomen trended on Twitter for an entire day is still trending, becoming a platform for women to speak out about their encounters with sexual harassment and sexual violence.
-People Guys complained the conversation took attention away from the tragedy. Also, that men had also been killed.
-Other people Presumably men, again, came up with #YesAllPeople to be inclusionary.
-Guys Men started tweeting support for women.  And People started reading and discussing the Twitter feed with their sons.

-Media started covering the hullaballoo, in which they basically take #YesAllWomen and Made it #YesAllFeminists.

Let's talk a minute. 

Firstly, #YesAllWomen was a response to the male backlash to talking about misogyny being a significant factor in this horrible event.  It is a blatant fallacy that the women using #YesAllWomen, particularly those who are victims of sexual assault, were trying to make this tragedy about them. They were continuing the conversation that started with #NotAllMen. (Dear Men, we already knew that, and we assume you mean Bill Cosby, Tim Allen, James Avery, Bob Saget, and  Reginald VelJohnson.) Also, if #YesAllWomen brings the attention needed to pervasive sexual violence, who are you to shout it down?

Secondly, while I am big on inclusion (although not big on labels, if you're human, you're in), I think #YesAllPeople does more harm than good, in this case.  #YesAllWomen is not downplaying the violence towards non-women.  It is an attempt to show people men who don't understand, what it's like to live in a world where you are told to be independent, provided you do so in well-lit, well trafficked areas after taking self-defense courses. #YesAllPeople, on the other hand, taken in the best light, is about getting along and setting aside our differences.  Which #YesAllWomen would be all about, if unprocessed rape kits weren't a common thing. I'm not saying get your own hashtag, but if you want to stand in solidarity with someone, at least for this week, make that someone a woman. 

Thirdly, a non-zero number of media outlets have referred to those involved with #YesAllWomen as feminists. While likely true in a dictionary-definition sort of way, feminist is a loaded term.  It carries historical and political implications.  It is used by men to dismiss the things it labels. "AllWomen" means what it says.  This is beyond politics, race, or creed. To say feminist in this context dehumanizes those involved. This isn't equal pay, or even beauty standards.  This is basic right to life.  (If you disagree with that, why do you think pepper spray was invented?)

I'm not going to address the stupider arguments, due to my policy of ignoring anything that exceeds a stupidity level of 7. 

What would be an ideal response to what happened?  

 Men's Rights groups are already getting bad press, so refocusing on stuff like male rape victims (and other legitimate victims) would be nice to see. 

How about we fix how we prosecute rapists?

While we're at it, let's destigmatize sexual assault.

I vote we stop using the word feminism altogether or limit its definition to men who are feminists only.

How about equal pay and not objectifying women, though?

Other groups/minorities, please speak out against the casual discrimination you face. 

And let's redefine masculine and raise our sons to respect all people. 

What can you do, now?  Continue the conversation.  Help those in distress. Treat everyone with respect.  Look at life from someone else's perspective. 

A Beginners Guide to Wine

If you choose to drink, I urge you to be classy.  There is a selection of classy drinks, but perhaps the most stereotypically classy drink is wine.  Sadly, many still see wine as inaccessible, coming with a how-to manual in the form of sommeliers and wine snobs.  But enjoying wine actually requires very little instruction.

1. Drink what you like, however you like it. My dad likes red wine chilled, which is not what you're supposed to do, but who cares? Carpe Vino.

2. If wine gives you headaches, drink less. If that doesn't work, switch to white wine, which doesn't contain the same compounds as reds.  Low-sulfite wine is the most headache friendly.

3. For many people, Moscato is the gateway wine. It's very sweet, cheap, and has less of a quality variation across brands.  Knowing nothing else about you, I'd start here.

4. Wine selection can be tricky if you don't have a lot of experience with wine, and there is a lot of advice out there.  I believe that the best way to know what you like is to try a variety.  The most cost effective way to accomplish that is to go to a winery, wine bar, or restaurant that offers a flight (selection) of tastes. You should know what you don't like before you buy a bottle.

5. Boxes and jugs may be good for crowded events, but should not be considered representative of all wine.

6. Price and quality have a complicated relationship, but trying a truly good bottle will permanently affect your opinion of wine…

7. …by making cheaper (bad) wine unpalatable. One way to compensate for increased quality (and price) is by drinking less.  The other is by asking for wine for Christmas.

8. Enjoying wine, like enjoying good food, is about savoring the whole experience, especially good company.

These tips boil down to 2 principles: find out what you enjoy and drink it.